Hey everyone. We are now at the halfway point of “Being A Voice” with three more posts to go! Today, however, I am taking a break from the series to address one of the heavier subjects I planned on talking about when brainstorming ideas for this blog. I was going to wait until after the series, but it looks like new school years have either already started or are starting sooner than I anticipated. So, now is what I feel is the best time to tackle this issue.
Bullying. It’s an epidemic that needs to be stopped. People who do it may think it’ll do something good for them, but in the end, it turns out they couldn’t be more wrong. But, I suppose you could argue that the consequences, should school administrations follow through on them, would help them grow into being a better person, but still, it doesn’t change the fact that the damage has already been done, whether kids are transferring schools, too afraid to come to school, or killing themselves. Our schools need to see and deal with the bullies before any of those things happen, especially the third thing, and not with just a slap on the wrist.
Elementary School
People on the spectrum are all too often subjected to bullying, and I am certainly no exception. I mentioned one of my old classmates from elementary school in my post a couple weeks ago, who I decided to call Dan. From what I remember, he was the first… “big bad,” for lack of a better term, that I had to deal with. I remember most, if not all interactions with him being unfriendly and upsetting, though I can’t remember exactly what was said. It started in 3rd grade when we had the same homeroom, but it wasn’t all too bad since I still had a friendship with Cameron and had his help through it, specifically when I had an altercation with Dan one day during recess that made me cry, and somehow, ended up with a negative mark on my behavior sheet because of it. But then I blew it with Cameron and was left to fend for myself when Dan and I shared homeroom again in 4th grade. Then I became friends with Jack, and then Johnny M. started going after me, which you know about if you read my other post. I don’t remember what all he said to me, but I do remember him sitting between me and Jack whenever we were in other classrooms sitting on the floor, or wherever. Looking back, it was probably done with the intention of hurting my feelings. In fact, all those times, he asked Jack to switch with him, and he agreed to it. Wasn’t that certainly telling… In addition, I also had to deal with Dan on the rare occasions, until he became uncharacteristically… nice to me. But believe it or not, that wasn’t the worst of it.
Middle School
Then 6th grade came. One day, near the beginning of the year, I was getting everything I needed for the day from my locker. Next thing I knew, either Jack or Johnny M. dumped itching powder down my shirt. It was one of the worst, most irritating sensations I had ever felt in my life. I had to go to the nurse’s office, call my mom, then she had to come to the school with a new shirt for me to wear. That’s not all I had to deal with during that year, however. In PE, two of my classmates, Adam and Ben, felt the need to constantly throw light, but rapid punches, which made contact, by the way, and call me a loser with each one whenever they had the chance. I remember a time when I was just sitting up against the wall, minding my own business, and they came over to me to do just that while I helplessly ducked my head. Not a single soul in that gym did a thing to intervene. As if that wasn’t enough, Jack, Johnny M. and their crew were in PE with me as well, so I also had to deal with their crap. Thankfully I was only in PE during the first semester. Sometime after that, I was suspended. I got angry at my classmates for a saying a bunch of school-related words; words they knew I didn’t particularly care for. I got so angry with them that I pretended my binder was a rapid-fire machine gun and shot them down. I know, definitely not a positive way to handle that kind of situation. After my suspension, the bullying subsided throughout most of middle school, aside from a few altercations with one of my theatre classmates and sharing PE with Jack and his crew again in 7th grade. Little did I know that the worst was yet to come.
The Worst Year of My Life
If you read my testimonial post, or the one on friendships and relationships, you’ll know that I see my freshman year of high school as the worst year of my life, and with good reason. I experienced what was, in my opinion, the worst bullying, thanks to my inability to sit still. My rocking back and forth and Mario Kart Wii impressions became the main attractions. I remember looking over to the table next to mine, seeing them imitate my rocking and hearing them laugh. I remember being in world geography, imagining myself as Koopa Troopa, racing on Koopa Cape, and hearing two of my classmates, Carl and John, laughing as well. All I wanted to do was entertain myself in peace. Sure, the bullying was never direct or physical, and done more from afar, but it definitely had the psychological aspect. I was already in a bad place from having lost a second home in the LCT (local community theatre) and being judged by my father brother on a number of things, so the bullying was just the cherry to top off a very depressing season of my life. What’s worse, one of the bullies was someone I considered an old childhood friend (we’ll call him Sid), even if he was still going to that… “church” at the time. When I saw Sid during orientations, I thought of the possibility of reconnecting and having a friendly face around. But it didn’t turn out that way. Either he didn’t remember me, or he did, along with a disdain for whatever reason. I can’t say for sure. I remember a time when he referred to me as the “R” word when he was walking behind me in the hallway while I was pretending to talk on the phone. Thinking about that makes me cringe, but like anything else, it certainly doesn’t excuse using the “R” word as a derogatory. In fact, it isn’t really acceptable to use it at all anymore. The bullying I experienced that year put me in a very dark place, which I will talk more about near the end of October.
Sophomore Year
Thankfully by the time my family and I had moved, and sophomore year came around, the worst had already passed. I didn’t dare let any of my quirks show (the rocking and the Mario Kart Wii impressions), but as some of you may know, I just couldn’t help myself. Having learned to save the rocking for family and privacy, I broke out the Mario Kart Wii impressions, as well as added playing finger guns to those quirks. However, things went a lot differently from the year before. As a non-believer in Christ, I would say that I changed my perception of their reactions or decided to use it to my advantage. Looking back as the believer I am today, seeing that particular detail as a part of God’s plan to bring me to Him three years later, there’s really no explanation other than it being a God thing. I was able to make more friends and acquaintances than I planned and get through that year… mostly unscathed. I say “mostly,” because one of the friends I made in my world history class, Andrew, grew tired of my quirks, and turned into a real jerk toward the end. Then again, I guess he always was to a certain extent. I unfriended him on Facebook, but we still got into a couple virtual altercations in the comments of posts from mutual friends. And not to sound like a child, but he totally started it. I was just commenting like any other Facebook friend would (I don’t remember what the posts were about) and then he comes along to start a war.
The End of the Bullying.
In addition to two of Andrew’s friends giving me a little bit of trouble in my business information management class, the animosity between us continued until halfway through our junior year. As a result, I didn’t feel secure in my friendship with another one or my classmates from world history, since the two of them were friends before I came along, and we grew apart. In late February of 2011, Andrew messaged me on Facebook. There was a misunderstanding that I apparently wanted to shoot myself, which he heard through the grapevine. What I really wanted to do was… rip my skin off and reveal a new Johnny that didn’t rely on his quirks (playing finger gun wars) to make new friends and maintain friendships, and resort to more practical ways, which I was still able to do, but not as much as I wish I would or could have. I know, a bit graphic, but it was the only way I could explain how I felt. He and I became friends (again) after I explained what I really said, and he encouraged me to stay strong. After that, throughout the rest of high school, the bullying was no more.
The Age of Cyberbullying
In addition to the physical and verbal onslaughts that victims face from their tormentors, in this day and age, it is not only with them at school, but can stay with them wherever they go, including what they may have once thought was the safety of their own home. This is especially true for teenagers. Almost every one of them has a phone, and with this technology, victims are targeted via private messages, or harassed on social media, and very easily so.
Why do people bully?
From what I’ve heard, people who bully often have many troubles in their own lives and are susceptible to jealousy and insecurity. As a result, they hurt others to make themselves feel better, specifically those they may be envious of for having what they don’t. And the older they get, the more vicious it becomes.
Where does bullying occur?
While this can probably happen in college (hazing certainly counts) and the workplace, most bullying takes place in elementary, middle, junior high and high schools.
What can/needs to be done
I could go on and on with answers to this question, but I’m going to try not to.
If you’re bullying someone, please stop now, before it’s too late.
If you are being bullied, tell someone. It can be a friend, parent, or teacher.
If you are a bystander, tell someone before it’s too late. This may seem harsh, but by doing nothing, you are just as guilty as the bullies.
Parents, get more involved in your child’s life. If you feel that your kids are struggling and aren’t being honest about them, try asking more questions. If that fails, try asking their friends.
Teachers, I urge you to be more aware, and look for any signs, no matter how small they may seem. If you know of any victims and other teachers that they see on a regular basis, get in touch with those teachers to see what you can find out.
School administrators, if your school does not have any strict anti-bullying enforcements, I urge you to make that happen.
The last piece of advice I’m going to offer is to be who you are, and to stand up for yourself. Telling people about your situation is a good place to start, but the reality is that teachers and administrators aren’t always able to affect change when it comes to bullies. Most bullies aren’t going to stop their behavior after a stern talking to from a teacher. That makes it necessary to take a difficult step and fight off the bullies yourself – that doesn’t have to be physically, but the thing about bullies is, simply making it difficult to continue bullying you is the best way to get them off your back. Had I turned to the people who were making fun of my Mario Kart gameplay in my geography class and said, matter-of-factly, “This is for my entertainment, not yours, you don’t have to like it and I don’t care what you think,” they very well might have left me alone. Even if they hadn’t, I’d know they were wasting their time. The fact that the bully is going after someone they believe is a weaker opponent means they’re probably not bold enough to really harm you. The best thing we can all do is to never fail to stand up for ourselves.
A Mother’s Perspective
Bullying is simply heartbreaking – for parents and kids. Both of my sons experienced their share of it. And let’s be 100% clear – the “reason” for the bullying was simply for being themselves and simply being. No other reason. I didn’t say they’ve never done anything wrong. But when they were being bullied, it was simply for just being. Unfortunately, I was not aware of many of the instances Johnny mentioned, because like most kids, he was not always willing to talk about it.
The shame that goes with bullying is baseless yet enormous. Somehow the victim believes if I were only better, stronger, wittier, bigger, more attractive, smarter, fill-in-the-blank, then this other person would leave me alone. The shame, combined with the fear of what will happen if we tell someone, is what keeps it under wraps from parents, teachers, and daycare workers. My first advice to them was to stand up for themselves, and also to make sure they immediately told a teacher, administrator, or the daycare worker. Sadly, this didn’t always help or bring relief. Teaching your kids to ignore or dismiss or stand up to bullies is not easy. It takes incredible courage to do this, and you also can’t predict when verbal will go to physical, or when a false accusation will result in a bigger problem.
When Johnny was in middle school, I was aware of the itching powder incident and there aren’t words to describe how angry I was. I did not learn of the other incidents until later on, but when his frustration at the bullies resulted in his own suspension, the principal heard from me in person for a solid 45 minutes, Erin Brokovich style. Unfortunately I chose to handle conflict with conflict. I could have chosen differently. Thankfully the principal and I did come to understand each other much better, our unique challenges, and our common desire to not see bullying occur. The incident was a catalyst for greater campus awareness, and an anonymous reporting system for any bullying incidents in the school.
As a parent, the best thing you can do is stay involved, listen and watch for any indicators that things may not be right or going well at school. Talk to your kids regularly about it. Ask if they are seeing bullying happening to others. If so, are they silent or are they advocates for the victims? It’s not only important to teach our kids to advocate for themselves, but also for others. Keep a close eye on their social media platforms – which is where most of it is likely to play out today. Whether on the spectrum or not, some of the greatest pain we experience in a lifetime is from others making fun of us just for being ourselves.
Bullying is as old as time. But I do believe that now more than ever, in a world of great diversity, we are called upon to stand up for others – especially those who may struggle to do so for themselves. We can make a world of difference by doing so – through caring, listening, and helping. This is how we bridge the gap in our differences and strengthen our schools and communities.
To everyone I mentioned that wronged me, you are forgiven. Thank you for reading. Next time we will resume “Being A Voice.” I’ll see y’all then!
Puzzling Life 