An Autistic Life Changed by Christ

“With Jesus, everything gets better.” – A wise friend of mine.

With today being the seven year anniversary of when I gave my life to Christ, I can honestly say that there are no truer words. Since that day, Jesus has done so much more for me than I ever could have done for myself, and my life has transformed in a way that I could never have imagined seven years ago.

Family & The “Church”

My parents divorced when I was six; though I was not completely sure why at the time, I had a feeling it was largely due to the fact that they just didn’t get along. My mom, brother and I left the house I’d come to call home for the short years of my life that I could remember up to that point. While it saddened me to say goodbye to that house, and to know the townhome that took its place would never quite feel the same, I never expressed to anyone how much I truly missed it. To my surprise (seriously, I was floored), 2 years later we found ourselves right back on the cul-de-sac I loved so much. I don’t think the family realized how out of place I had been until we were back.

I grew up going to… I don’t even know what to call it. A church? A cult? A fundamentalist training camp? Whatever it was, it was anything but right. I’ve since heard the sermons were intense, even scary for kids at times, but I have had to learn this after the fact. Almost like a cocoon or a security blanket, my Autism allowed me to detach from what was scary and engage with what I enjoyed (the music, I’ve always loved it). My mom and dad still went, even after the divorce, which was weird. Eventually, my mom stopped going, and I faintly remember a conversation around the kitchen table in which she told us why. It was difficult to understand, though, and I spent the next several years piecing together more of the story.

My dad stopped going sometime later, but he was (and still is) much more religious than my mom was. Things were always a bit difficult between the two of us, as I was more of a free thinker than my brother, who had easily fallen under the church’s – and later my dad’s – influence. This difference in our personalities carved a rift between me and them that we would not fill back in for years. Sure, my dad could be kind and loving, but the love always felt somewhat… conditional. And he could be very judgmental and condemning, even though he’d often claim the things he did and said came from a deeper sort of love. Sometimes he’d characterize himself as more of a “fire and brimstone” preacher.

The grip that this brand of fundamentalism had on my brother effectively fractured our relationship, especially when he found out I was a closeted gay. He was the first one to tell me that I was wrong, that I needed to repent and be fixed. It was hard to hear that from a member of my own family, but we’ve moved long past that and I’m thankful for the relationship we have today. He is now one of my biggest supporters and a true friend.

Diagnosis

As you know, I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, which is on the autism spectrum, when I was six. It effected my ability to socialize, make friends and how I learned in school. I don’t even have count of how many times I felt stupid, inadequate, messy, confused, and isolated.

Making Friends

I tried my hardest at making friends. I had my first best friend in 2^nd and 3^rd grade, we’ll call him Cameron, but I ended up driving him away by being to… clingy, I guess. I just wasn’t sure what to do, and I ended up making the same mistake with the next one who came along in 5^th grade. We’ll call him Jack. Although, to be fair, someone else was making it difficult for me to make better choices. He was friends with Jack before I came along, and he wanted to belittle me and make it very clear that he was the superior friend.

Bullying

Another thing that comes with being on the spectrum is bullies. The worst of it was during freshman year; the worst year of my life. Good thing I hadn’t come out of the closet yet, otherwise it would’ve been a double whammy for them. Even though it was done from afar rather than directly, it still hurt. What made it hurt more was that one of the bullies was an old friend from my childhood, and the church that I went to. When I learned that he and I would be going to the same high school, I was hoping to reconnect and have another friend. But it was painfully clear that whatever friendship we had was long forgotten. That year put me in a very dark place, but little did I know that God had a plan to bring me out of it.

Lost Hope

My mom was engaged around this time, we’ll call the guy Joe (thankfully the engagement was short-lived, he wasn’t a good guy), and he wanted us to move out of town to a bigger house. I lost my childhood home, and I had to leave all the friends that made through theatre in the years before. Going into sophomore year, I wasn’t expecting much, and trying to make new friends was the last thing on my mind. As far as everyone was concerned, I was just in it for the diploma. When my mom opened her eyes to Joe’s true colors and moved us out of the big house, I hoped that meant moving back to the town I grew up in. But after talking things through we decided to stay in the new town instead. This, I believe, was God’s plan to change everything.

God’s Plan

In my world history class, I formed an unlikely friendship with two guys in a rather… unconventional way. I couldn’t have imagined the path it would lead me on, and the war it would ignite to take my mind back from all the negativity that had taken over. Throughout the three years I spent at the new school, I ended up making more friends than I knew what to do with, and I became a part of an awesome youth ministry organization called Young Life. I went to Young Life camp at Crooked Creek during the summer after my junior year, but I still wasn’t ready to make the decision to accept Jesus into my life. However, I did learn to believe in something bigger than myself; to believe in all the friendships I had made. But throughout my senior year, there was still emptiness, as my friends could unintentionally let me down. I had a hole in my heart that I tried filling with as many social outings as I possibly could, but I was still coming up short of fulfillment.

I went to Young Life camp for a second time after my senior year, this time to Frontier Ranch. Things were about the same as they were before, but my cabin leader really wanted insight as to how I was processing everything. So, I explained to him the joy I was trying to find in my friends, and the war raging in my mind and soul. In addition, after the all the leaders shared their cardboard testimonies on our last full day, something changed within me. One of the leaders from my town had been battling cancer throughout my senior year. Even though she had lost nearly all her hair by this time, there was still a beauty about her, one that could only be described as faithful and spiritual. Even cancer couldn’t shake her faith in Jesus, and I wanted that.

One of my other leaders took me to one of his favorite spots on the campgrounds. He had me pretend the gap under the bridge was the Grand Canyon. Even the most athletic person in the world, no matter how hard they train, still couldn’t make that jump all by himself. That is the same distance in which our sins separate us from God, but Jesus built us a bridge through dying on the cross and raising himself to life, so that we, who are dead in our sins, can raise to life with Him. My leader crossed the bridge to the other side, leading into the moment that changed everything. It was through him that Jesus was inviting me to cross that bridge and walk a new life with Him. It was as if He was saying “Johnny, you’ve been fighting these battles long enough. Give me the sword, and I will fight them for you.” And so, I crossed the bridge to join my leader on the other side, and he told me that angels had begun singing in Heaven because of my decision.

Renewed in Christ

Since then, life has only gotten better. In the spring of 2013, I shared my story while being filmed, and shared it at a Young Life banquet. Afterwards, I was asked to be a leader for the new Capernaum ministry (Young Life for teens and young adults with disabilities) in my town. Later, in the beginning of 2014, I was invited to a church, which I am proud to say is my church home today. It was a real blessing, considering I didn’t think I would find one after the one I experienced in my childhood. I led Capernaum in my town for a little over a year until I was accepted into the Post-secondary Access and Training in Human Services (PATHS) Program at Texas A&M. I made the move to College Station and got to attend classes on A&M’s campus (something I never thought I would ever be able to do) where I learned and developed a passion for working with people with disabilities. In addition, I went through Young Life leadership training and got placed on the local Capernaum team there.

After I graduated from PATHS, I continued to live in College Station for the next three years and grow in my faith through church, Young Life, and a massive on-campus bible study called Breakaway. I also learned of an opportunity to serve kids with disabilities at a summer camp called Camp Blessing, which was really cool because they ended up teaching me more than I ever could’ve hoped to teach them. Although those years were very impactful, there was still a part of myself that I thought was wrong and needed to be fixed: my sexuality. Throughout the years since I accepted Christ, I had continued to “pray the gay away” as many people say it. I thought by being in College Station and immersing myself into such a strong Christian atmosphere, something would change. But no such change was ever brought about.

When I moved back to my hometown, I had planned to go to a different church rather than return to the one I was brought to in 2014. I went to one of their young adult studies, and their message was about their views on homosexuality; how it was one thing to be gay, and an entirely different thing to act on it. Having still had the mindset that I needed to be fixed, I felt it was the message that I needed to hear, and that church was place I needed to be. When I shared what I learned with my mom and brother, however, they disagreed and found it to be harmful, since they knew I was gay. I was still eager to become a part of it, until I found out about their membership process. It felt a little too exclusive to me, so I decided to return to the church I first started going to in 2014. I was hoping to get the same change in my sexuality out of it, but I believe the Lord had other plans.

I joined a life group, as I needed to find a new community to grow in my faith with. One night, two of the members had disclosed that they were gay, and the leaders were actually fine with it. I felt that my deep-down belief that God makes absolutely no mistakes had been validated. Some of you may say that it was only validated by the two who shared, and is therefore invalid, but I believe that God was validating me through them. Later after that meeting, I called my mom and came out to her. Of course, she knew, as most mothers probably do. For about nine months after that, I began working on self-acceptance, and coming out to the people I could trust to still love and support me unconditionally.

Then, on June 4^th, I came out on Facebook. As I explained in Sunday’s post, I couldn’t live with the anxiety of people not knowing, and I felt like I had to set myself free from that. Of course, there were those who disagreed and thought I was being deceived into being something that I’m not, but there weren’t nearly as many of those as I thought there would be. I was blessed with an overall positive reception. Although, some of the messages, such as a simple “I love you” or “you are so loved and always will be” were a bit unclear as to what they really meant. We’ll see who the real MVPs are if, God willing, I start dating, and even get married. Maybe even after this post goes up.

What Now?

I am still in awe of where the Lord has brought me, and to think that it’s only going to get better from here on, with Heaven being the absolute best, is life changing. Whether you’re on the spectrum, gay, or both, like me, God loves us all, and there’s not a single thing we can do to make Him love us any less. I believe that He works in our lives even before we come to know Him, through His Son, and that His works lead us to the free gift of salvation. And once you accept that gift, so long as you believe that Jesus Christ is Lord and died for all of your sins, no one can take that away from you. No one.

Thank you all for reading. I hope some of you found this insightful. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I still have to watch season three of Stranger Things. I’ll see y’all next Saturday!